Shattered Lies Read online

  Shattered Lies

  Copyright © 2015 by Theresa Sederholt

  All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in the book review.

  The author acknowledges the copyrighted or trademarked status and trademark owners of the following wordmarks mentions in this work of fiction: Nutella. Starbucks. Jammie Dodgers. Doctor Who. Bon Genie. Raider’s Inc. MI6. The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia. University Children’s Hospital Zurich. St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital. U.S. Marshall. Filgrastim. The University of Liverpool. Chocolate Smiles. Fedex. Blood and Marrow Transplant information network. Google.

  Music ‘Lifehouse “Storm,” ‘Beyoncé “I Was Here,” ‘Beyoncé “Halo,” ‘Luke Bryan “Play It Again,” ‘Snow Patrol “Chasing Cars,” ‘James Morrison “You Give Me Something,” ‘James Morrison “You Make It Real,” ‘Empire Cast “What Is Love (feat. V. Boz),” ‘Jackie Oates “Dream Angus.”

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

  This book contains strong language, graphic sexual situations, and violence. It is not intended for anyone under the age of 18.

  Publisher: Theresa Sederholt ©

  Cover designer: Robin Harper Wicked By Design.

  Editor: Jacquelyn Ayres.

  Formatter: Stacey Blake, Champagne Formats.

  ISBN: 978–0-9862598–2-1

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Other Books by the Author

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Epilogue

  Sneak Peek of Uniquely Mine

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Other Books by Theresa Sederholt

  The Unraveled Trilogy

  The Unraveling of Raven

  Darkness into Dawn

  For Josiah Garcia, you are a brave and beautiful boy. I know you will survive and go on to do great things. Your kind and gentle way is an inspiration to everyone. It has been said that everyone comes into your life for a reason, even if it’s only for a brief moment. I am honored and blessed that you have come into mine. Your faith and inspiration is a shining light. Thank you and God bless.

  To everyone who has fought cancer, your battle has not been in vain. That moment in time, no matter how brief, will never be forgotten.

  THE DAY HAS FINALLY come, the one I’ve feared the most. The day my oldest son comes to find me. I knew it’d be only a matter of time before my past would collide with my future. His family . . . murdered because of me. My grandson and daughter-in-law gunned down like animals. How can I face him, knowing what I’ve done? I’ve stayed away for their own safety, but what did that get me? They are still dead because of me. I have managed to keep the rest of them safe, but, for how long?

  A knock on the door startles me out of my thoughts. I’m expecting my valet. “Come in, Reynolds.” Reynolds has been my valet and confidant for twenty years; the keeper of all my secrets.

  “Sir, I just received word their plane has landed. It’s only a matter of time now. What would you like to do?”

  “Well, Reynolds, what we won’t do, is run anymore. The time has come to face my demons. I must own up to what I’ve done. They are not children anymore, and they deserve the truth, no matter how ugly it is.”

  “Sir, what about their safety?”

  “Well, the better question should be, what about ours? When Maxwell finds out my role in all of it, I venture to say, I’m a dead man.”

  “Sir, you did everything you could, I’m sure he will understand.”

  I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to get that image out of my head. “Everything but save them,” I whisper.

  Ten Days Earlier

  AS I WATCH JAX sleep, I see such anguish on his beautiful face. I wish I could take away his pain; I would bear it for him, if I could. I lean in and tenderly kiss him. I don’t want to wake him, but I want him to feel me and know I’m always with him.

  “Hmm . . . I’m awake, sweetheart.”

  “I can never tell if you’re really asleep.”

  He tilts his hips and I can feel how aroused he is. I know he sleeps best when he’s buried deep inside of me, but I haven’t made it to my six-week postpartum checkup yet; my body’s not ready. He keeps a tight grip around my waist while I snuggle up against him. For now, this will have to do.

  “Jax, you know I’m not going to disappear; you can let go of me.”

  “Raven, you are so strong and so positive, even after all you’ve been through. How? How do you manage to do it?”

  “I believe in us. Our daughter is a beautiful product of that belief. And I’ve made you a promise. A promise to be your companion, forever; beyond this lifetime. But most of all, I have given you my heart and my soul. I will fight to the bitter end for us.” I lay a trail of soft kisses down his neck.

  “I really am dreading getting on that plane tonight,” he groans lightly. I lift my head up to catch his eyes. “Please don’t look at me like that, you know I have to do it—I need answers. Now Bella has decided she is going with us. I think she blames herself for his leaving, and no matter what I’ve told her, she won’t listen. She’s so stubborn.”

  “Really, Jax? I wonder where she gets that from.” He says nothing, only closing his eyes tightly.

  “Sweetheart, Max and I have put extra security in place. I don’t expect to be gone very long, however, I don’t want you to be alarmed with all the extra guards.”

  At just the mention of his leaving, I feel his whole body tighten, his eyes still tightly shut. My heart is breaking for him. One of the many facets of this man is his need for the truth. “I understand having questions, but do you really need to know the answers? Will knowing change anything for you? Will it change any part of who you are?” I ask as he strokes my back in a rhythmic pattern like he’s trying to find comfort.

  “Raven, I’ve never shared any of this with anyone. I thought by keeping it buried, it would be gone. But things never stay buried, do they? Eventually, everything comes to light.” He mindlessly twirls my hair around his fingers.

  “I would sit by the window every Saturday, waiting for him to come home. Sometimes, I would set up our peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on a TV tray, hoping he would come back to watch Doctor Who. He never came back, but I kept setting it up . . . hoping. As I got older, I made sure I worked hard in school and helped my mum with Bella. I always protected my mum and my sister. I never gave into my fear that one day, I would wake up and they would be gone, too. I wanted to make him proud of me, just in case he came bac
k to us. Instead . . . he just moved on to the next family. No matter how hard I tried, it was never good enough. We were never good enough,” he barely whispers, “When is it ever good enough?”

  Right now, my heart is breaking for this man. He’s been through so much and yet all he ever wanted was his dad to love him, as he should have. “Jax, you were a little boy, trying to protect your mom and sister, the only family you had left. You did everything right. You carried so much of the burden. Anyone would be proud to call you ‘son.’ Don’t ever think that you’re not good enough; it’s your father who’s not good enough. He didn’t deserve any of the wonderful children that he created.”

  “Sometimes I would make up stories about him. I would have him out, saving the world. I would pretend he was like Doctor Who, traveling through time and space, to save everyone like a superhero. It would ease the loneliness, especially for Bella. I thought I was helping her, but, maybe I didn’t. Maybe I made things worse for her.”

  “Why would you think that you made it worse? It doesn’t seem that she has put him on a pedestal or that she has any hate for the man. She seems almost . . . indifferent.”

  “What about her remark about dad leaving after she was born? That sounds like she blames herself and she shouldn’t. For Christ’s sake, she was just a baby. She wants to confront him, and honestly, I can’t say I blame her.”

  “What about Max?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, I understand why Bella wants to meet James and I even understand why you do, but why Max?”

  “Sweetheart, I think he’s going for Bella and me . . . to support us. I really think he has no desire to have any kind of relationship with him. He told me that when he married Samantha and had Elliot, he finally made peace with it all. I think in the beginning, he blamed dad for his mum’s death. It’s only with age and maturity that he’s come to realize we are all responsible for our own actions.”

  “Your mom doesn’t want any of you to go. She told me ‘the past can’t be changed and it’s best to keep it buried.’ I think she is speaking as a mother, trying to protect her children. I know I would lay down my life to protect Antonia. Now that I’m a mom, I can understand that bond so much more. I think she chose to bury the past for survival purposes. It wasn’t just for her survival, but for the survival of her children.”

  “My mum acts like she doesn’t care one way or the other, however, I’m not so sure. What else did my mum tell you?”

  “Nothing more about your dad. She does talk fondly of Max’s grams. I think they became good friends over the years. Did you ever meet her?”

  “Yes. I met her right after he came on board at Raiders. She passed soon after that. She always seemed like such a strong lady.”

  “Having lost a child and then having to raise her grandchild, I would think she was very strong.” I stroke his face, “How long do you think you’ll be gone?” I ask. His grip gets tighter, “Jax, really, if you need me to go, I will, but we will have to take Antonia with us.”

  He leaps out of bed and begins pacing and pulling at his hair. I’m watching his struggle boil to the surface. I’m shocked at his reaction; I never expected him to get this upset.

  “Fucking bloody hell, woman! I can’t do this. What the fuck has happened to me? Do you even realize what you’ve done?”

  “Jax, calm down. Please, sit down and talk to me rationally.”

  “Calm? Rational? You can’t be serious. Calm and rational flew out the window the day I met you. In one year’s time, my entire life has changed. I have real love for the first time ever. I have a daughter, who I have to protect. I have a family that is growing daily. I’ve come alive, Raven, and it’s all because of you. Now I have to leave this and confront the demons from my past. A past I thought was dead and buried. I really thought he was dead, and honestly, I didn’t give a royal fuck until Antonia. Now everything I say and everything I do, matters. Every second, without you both, matters. What if she forgets me? Have you even thought of that? I know I have!”

  “Jax, stop right now! You’re not going to be gone that long.”

  “Raven, one day is too long. What if it takes a while? What if he doesn’t want to see us? There are so many what ifs. I don’t do what ifs!”

  I need to keep it together for him, but he knows I’m just as apprehensive about him leaving. “Realistically, how long do you think you’ll be gone?”

  “I don’t know. All I do know is every minute away is too long. I planned for two days; get in ask my questions and get out. Then, Bella demanded that she go. What if she wants to stay longer? I can’t leave her behind—no one gets left behind.”

  I open my arms, “Come back to bed.”

  He stops. His eyes gaze up and down my body as he seemingly struggles with his decision. “You’re not going to tempt me with that beautiful body. I have enough to deal with, and not being able to go to the happy place for the past six weeks is fucking killing me!”

  “You need me, Jax, but more importantly for you is the fact that I need you.” He slowly walks toward me and just as he crawls back into bed, I hear the baby monitor come to life. I reach up and kiss him gently. “I’ll be back in a little bit; Antonia needs to eat.” The look on his face haunts me as I leave, so troubled and my heart is breaking for him.

  I WATCH MY WIFE sashay out of the room and now my cock decides to come to life. Bastard has a mind of his own. I watch her on the monitor tending to Antonia and it’s such a beautiful sight. It’s pure and natural, which only makes me want her more. Right . . . like that’s even possible. I head into the shower, trying to get my mind off of her, but it won’t. As I go about washing, I look down at my cock and he’s hard as stone. Bastard. “Look, I told you we are adults here and we need to have some sort of control. We don’t have the all clear, yet. I told you no jumping about.” I freeze—shit I’m so busted. I don’t have to hear her; I feel it when she walks in the room. I turn around and I’m hit with those beautiful eyes. She’s biting her bottom lip, trying not to laugh. “Go ahead, Raven, say it.”

  “Oh, my beautiful, sexy husband. I love that you have conversations with Mr. Cock. I love that you are trying so hard to follow the doctor’s orders. Get out of the shower now, Jax, I think it’s time you turn the reins over to me for a while.”

  I hesitate as I step out of the shower. “Do you trust me, Jax?”

  “With my life,” I say without missing a beat.

  “Good, then trust me to give you pleasure tonight—my way.”

  “Wow. Okay, what do you want me to do?”

  “Get into bed and wait for me. That’s all.”

  As I look at my beautiful wife, I know, deep in my soul, that I am the luckiest man in the world.

  I WATCH HIM HEAD into bed, and then, I begin to set stuff up for him. I gather a pair of my stockings to tie him with, some massage oil, and a glass of ice cubes. Anything I can think of that will bring him pleasure. I turned things over to him one night. I let him blindfold me, which not only ended up being very erotic, but also very therapeutic. I faced my fear and, in the end, it brought us closer. I need to do the same for him. He needs to know that he might not see me or touch me, but I will always be there. I head into the bedroom and I hear him talking to his cock, yet again. I love the playful Jax just as much as the intense one. So many facets, like a beautiful diamond; each one shining in it’s own light.

  “I told you, mate, if we waited long enough, it would happen.”

  “Good conversation, Jax?” I ask, grabbing his attention. His eyes grow wide like a boy caught swiping a piece of candy. “It’s okay. I don’t mind you talking to him, it’s quite entertaining, actually.”

  “So . . . what are you going to do to me?” He presses his lips together and his hands seem to shake. He’s hesitant in giving up so much control. Knowing that it’s the control that grounds him makes this even more important for both of us.

  “Do you remember the time you blindfolded me? I learned so much
that night. I experienced what it’s like to totally trust—unconditional trust. I never thought that was possible, and that’s what I want to give to you. However, I want to take it a step further.” I pause. “I want to tie your hands,” I lay it all out. His jaw seems to tighten as he gets a wan look about him. “I know it will be hard for you. Your need to constantly touch me comes from your fear of loss. Just like I was able to put my fear of the kidnapping behind me, you can do the same with your fear of abandonment. The fear is never truly gone, but it’s in a more manageable place where it can’t hurt you anymore. You need to trust me. Do you trust me, Jax?”

  “You know I do, but this is hard for me. I need that constant touch to keep me grounded.”

  “Will you try? If it gets to be too much, we can stop. If we don’t try, you will always wonder what if?”

  He bites his bottom lip and tightly closes his eyes. His skin seems to shiver and prickle at the thought of what I’m suggesting. I knew it would be hard for him; I just wasn’t sure how hard.

  He takes a calming breath, “I’ll try,” he whispers as he holds out his hands to me. The fact that his hands are shaking only makes me surer that what I’m doing is going to help him. I place my hand on his chest, and I can feel his heart racing. I swear it will leap out of his chest. I reach over to the nightstand and grab one of the black stockings to tie his hands together in front of him. “Breathe, Jax, it will be a good experience. If it gets to be too much, you can always tell me to stop.” I take the other stocking and make it into a blindfold. “You’ll need to rely on your other senses now. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Tell me . . . what are you feeling?”

  “Fear, I can’t see you or feel you.”

  “You know I’m still here and I’m not leaving you, ever.”

  “My head understands everything you’re saying but my heart doesn’t.”

  I lean in and place kisses all over his chest, trying to get him to relax. “I made promises to you that I would never break.” I continue kissing him gently up his neck and then kiss his lips. I can feel his jaw relax as I trail my fingers along the scruff of his beard. “I love when this scruff is between my legs. Use your other senses, what do you feel?”